The Adventurous Adventures of Rapunzel
by CicatrixArchon
Summary: Who knew that a 73% in math could change your life forever? Follow the thrilling tale of a young boy, Rapunzel Chaudry, and his faithful cat, Nico. *Written by me and a friend (but mostly me) for language class when were we required to create fractured fairy tales. Not that any of you need to know, but it seems people here tend to add disclaimers like this.


The Adventurous Adventures of Rapunzel

Once upon a time, in a land at least 1000 km away; there lived a couple, the Chaudrys. They did not like the area they lived in and desperately wanted to emigrate. Sadly, they could not afford a flying boat.

One day, they were sitting in an ancient forest, cutting coupons. They were doing this to relax and save money. Suddenly, a mysterious woman who seemed as old as the forest itself appeared.

"_What_ are you _doing _here?" the old hag screeched.

"Saving money," Mr. Chaudry replied in his thick accent.

"It's good for relaxing," Mrs. Chaudry added. "And for the wallet."

"_Get _out of _forest_," the woman demanded, pointed her crooked finger at them.

Wait, was that a worm on her finger?

"No. We cut coupons to save money. We save money and then we have more money. We have more money and we can buy flying boat. We buy flying boat we can leave. We go to place with opportunities and start new life," Mr. Chaudry retorted.

"_So, _you want to go to a place with _opportunities, _now do _you_?" the elderly woman questioned. "I _think _I can _help _you with _that._"

"Oh, really? Speak, woman, I'm listening," Mr. Chaudry said, sounding very interested.  
"_I _have _MAGICAL POWERS _and _I _can grant _you _a _flying goat_ and_ IMMIGRATION PAPERS". _

"Um, excuse me, lady, but we want a flying _boat _not a flying _goat,_" Mr. Chaudry corrected.

"_BEGGERS _can't be _CHOOSERS!"_

Mr. Chaudry shrugged. "Okay, we'll take it."

"But _WAIT, _there is a _catch!_" the witch interjected.

"Oh, meri PRABHU!" Mrs. Chaudry exclaimed.

"A catch? What is this?" was skeptical.

"_You _must _give _me your _FIRST-BORN CHILD!_" the witch proclaimed.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Immigration."

"Fine."

"_EXCELLENT! _I will _grant you _your _flying goat_ and _immigration papers, _and _you_ must simply _call for "The Witch" _when you _child _is _born_." the witch was ecstatic. It had been eons since she had made a deal with travelers. Her boss might even give her that promotion now. "_Here _are your _complimentary_ _samosas!" _

And so, on the next day, the Chaudrys left on a flying goat-that-was-not-a-boat to reach a quaint Victorian village.

It had been 12 years since the Chaudrys had encountered the old woman in the forest. They were adapting smoothly to their new lives. They even had a child, a young boy named Rapunzel.

What about their deal, you may ask? Pfft, did you think they were actually being sincere? Yeah right! Either way, they'd forgotten about that by now. Like, come on, it's been 12 years! Seriously, if you still remember that, you need to get a life.

It was just another average Tuesday, and Rapunzel had come home from school.

"Father! Mother! I'm home!" Rapunzel yelled.

"Good, eat your kheer," Mrs. Chaudry instructed.

"Nooooo. Mom, whyyyy? I don't wanna eat kheeeer," Rapunzel whined.

"Chup! What does this look like to you, a restaurant? Eat your kheer before it goes cold," Mrs. Chaudry snapped.

"Whyyyyy do you always do this to me, mooooom?" Nevertheless, Rapunzel sat down and ate his kheer.

"Angrez," Mrs. Chaudry muttered under her breath.

It was at that moment that Mr. Chaudry decided to walk in.

"Beta, if I am not mistaken, is today not the day you receive your report card?" Mr. Chaudry questioned.

"Oh yeah. Wait a minute, let me get that," Rapunzel dashed out of the room.

He returned a couple of minutes later, clutching a brown envelope.

Mr. Chaudry was expressionless as he carefully scanned the report card, then just when he was about to make a comment, something caught his eye. They widened as he looked up and glared at Rapunzel.

"W-w-what is wrong, father?" Rapunzel stuttered

"What is this?"

"My report card," he answered cheekily.

"Don't act smart with me, boy! What is _THIS?_" he shoved the paper under Rapunzel's nose and pointed at a certain grade. Rapunzel squinted.

"Uh... a 73%?"

"What? A 73% in what, beta?" he mother asked.

"Math?" Rapunzel replied nervously.

A deathly silence overtook the room. It was broken by a loud slap.

"WHAT? WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS HOW WE RAISED YOU?"

"Oh meri jaan..."

"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GO ANYWHERE WITH GRADES LIKE THIS? UNIVERSITIES DON'T LIKE GRADES LIKE THIS! YOU WON'T GET INTO MIT, EVER! YOU FAIL."

"What's the big deal?" Rapunzel responded, irritated. "Seriously, it's just one 73. That's like, a B-, I think."

His mother was clutching her heart and breathing deeply.

"THIS GRADE IS THE FINAL STRAW. I KNEW YOU WERE GETTING BAD HABITS, SLEEPING LATE-"

"I sleep at 11:00..."

"HANGING OUT WITH BAD CROWDS-"

"I have no friends."

"LOCKED UP IN YOUR ROOM ALL DAY LIKE YOU'RE STARTING A BUSINESS!"

"OKAY, WHAT THE HECK?" Rapunzel exclaimed. "Honestly, I get one measly B- in math, and _this _is what happens. Sheesh, guys, calm down. It's no big deal."

"YOU HEAR THIS? YOU HEAR HOW YOU ARE TALKING? I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEHAVIOUR LIKE THIS IN MY HOUSEHOLD!"

"Oh, beta, what if a witch just came and took you away? Then would you learn some decency?"

Suddenly, the window slammed open and an old lady jumped in.

"_Hey, _did you guys finally have that _baby_?" she asked. She then spotted Rapunzel. "Is _that _the _baby? _Jeez, _she _looks _old_. _Kids _these _days_. Whatever, I'll _take _her. _Thanks _for actually _keeping _your _promise_. I swear, _everyone else _just _lies _to me about the _baby _thing. _You _guys are, _like_, my _best friends!"_

It was then that the memories came flooding back to Mr and Mrs. Chaudry. Oh, _yeah_, they did promise to give her the kid. Well, the witch was already here, no arguing with her now.

"Oh, yes, yes, here's our daughter," Mr. Chaudry told her. "You may take her now."

"Wait, what?" Rapunzel looked mortified, but also confused. "Who is this lady? Where is she taking me? Why am I leaving? I don't wanna go! _WHY IS EVERYONE USING FEMININE PRONOUNS WHILE TALKING ABOUT ME?"_

"Oh, _look_, she _can_ already _talk!" _The witch sniffed. "_They _grow up _so fast!" _The witch then slung Rapunzel over her shoulder. "Come _with me_, little _girl_! United, _we shall _be _unstoppable!_" Once, again, she jumped out the window.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mr and Mrs Chaudry watched, their expressions blank. They then sat down to eat rasmalai.

After a long, unsafe journey and a stop at the ice cream stand, Rapunzel and the witch had finally reached their destination. It was an old, abandoned tower covered with moss.  
"_This_ is _where _you will _live. You _will get _one room _and _I _will _never be here_, despite _the fact_ that you're _too young _to _live _alone," the witch explained. She then flew him up to the aforementioned room, locked any doors that remained, and flew back out. "_Hasta la vista, _mutant, talking _baby_."

And then, she was gone.

Rapunzel was left alone in a small room that had one toilet, one sink, a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a window overlooking a balcony. There was also a small ball of fluff in the corner. Maybe it was his bed? No, wait... was that?

Yes, it was. A cat. A tiny, adorable cat. One that was so cute that Rapunzel's heart melted and reformed before he could question how it was possible for him to still be alive if his heart was gone. Oh my god, Rapunzel just wanted to squeeze it and snuggle with it and love it forever.

And then the cat barfed a rainbow.

"Did you just barf a rainbow?" Rapunzel asked, baffled by such a prospect.

"No, I opened my mouth and a rainbow appeared at the same time," the cat replied sarcastically.

Rapunzel's jaw dropped

That. Cat. Just. Spoke. It just... what is even going on here? Rapunzel was stunned.

"Close your mouth, you're going to catch bugs," the cat said casually.

The voice broke Rapunzel out of his reverie. "Can you... talk?" Rapunzel asked cautiously.

"_No_, it _definitely_ wasn't me who spoke. The guy in the corner was the one speaking, _I _just happened to be moving my mouth in sync to his words. Seriously, what kind of a question is that, dingbat? Of course I can talk, you just saw me!" the cat said.

Rapunzel was a bit irritated. This cat had some nerve, speaking like he owned the place. Which he might. Rapunzel wasn't quite certain about anything anymore. Either way, Rapunzel was going to give this cat a piece of his mind!

"Okay, listen here, cat!" Rapunzel spoke angrily. "I don't care if you can talk, it's not that impressive, I can too! I don't care if you can barf rainbows, that's actually kinda weird. I _don't care _how irresistibly adorable you are, _you do not have the right to speak to me like that!_ Don't you act like I'm just going take it, because I'm not! I won't tolerate that sort of disrespect from anyone! You got that, cat?"

The cat looked unimpressed. "Stop whining."

"I am not _whining_, I _am complaining_," Rapunzel looked affronted. "Do you want to _hear_ whining? _THIIS IS WHIIIIING! _

"Charming," Nico spoke in an almost bored tone. "By, the way, don't called me "cat". My name is Nico."

"Oh", Rapunzel said. "Sorry, Nico. By the way, my name's Rapunzel. Sorry about our rough start, I'm honestly pleased to meet you."

"Likewise," the cat replied.

And from then on, Nico and Rapunzel remained the best of friends.

Years had passed since Rapunzel had first got sent to the tower. Rapunzel had not had a single haircut. His hair grew improbably fast and was now long enough to reach the bottom of the tower. He was also somehow immune to split ends.

Life in the tower was simple, and quite predictable. The routine was the same everyday: Rapunzel would spend 5 hours on his hair, Nico would tease him for it, the witch would visit him by using his hair as a ladder, Nico would tease him for it, the witch would give him some food, Nico would steal the best bits, Rapunzel would stick his head out the window and sing, Nico would claw at him, Rapunzel and Nico would playing Tic-Tac-Toe or hangman and Nico would win... rinse and repeat.

However, today, something was different. A travelling princess by the name of Brittany was walking along nearby the castle. She had ran away from home after she had deduced that her parents were jerks. While she was walking, she heard a voice. _The voice_.

"_THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL!"_  
"MEOW!"

"HEY, NICO, DON'T_—__OW, _STOP! ARGH!"

Brittany was in awe. She must find the one who possessed such a voice, one that could make angels weep.

She decided to visit the same area everyday, just to hear the voice. While she was there, she also saw an old woman who would always visit and yell: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" Long locks of black hair then gracefully tumbled out, which the lady used a ladder. One day, Brittany tried this herself.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" she yelled.

"'Kay, one second," a voice replied. This was it.

As the hair descended, Brittany found out that it was really hard to try and climb hair. She never was good at climbing in general, maybe she should have worked harder in gym class. Nevertheless, she managed to get through the small window.

"OH MY GOOD GOLLY GOSH, YOU'RE NOT THE WITCH! What are _doing_ here?" Rapunzel questioned.

"_I _am Princess Brittany, and _I_ have come to find the one who possess the angelic voice," Brittany explained. "Would that be you?"

"Oh, wait, you heard me singing? HA! I told Nico it was record-worthy!" Rapunzel exclaimed.

"Oh Princess, I thought a member of royalty would be able to afford a better otolaryngologist," Nico said in a deadpan voice.

"Haha, what?" Brittany asked, not questioning the fact that a cat just spoke.

"Nothing."

"Oh. Okay. Anyway," Brittany started. "Do you wanna run away with me?"

"Huh? Oh, sure, why not?" Rapunzel agreed immediately. He was getting tired of tower life at that point. "Except we have to get past some witch who keeps me here and thinks I'm her daughter."

It was at that moment that the witch flew in.

"_RAPUNZEL!_ _What _are _doing _with this _girl?_" she wailed.

"Wait, what?" Rapunzel was confused. "I didn't even let down my hair!"

"I can _fly_, remember?" she reminded him. "I _was _just using _your hair _to _mess _with you _and so_ we _could _have a sense of _trust. _But _now _you have _betrayed _me!"

"How?" Rapunzel asked. "You never said I couldn't talk to other people!"

"I _thought _you _would _already _know_," the witch snapped. "_Prepare _to _have your friend _smitten! _And _you're _next!_"

"Rapunzel, run!" Brittany yelled. The woman cackled and stepped in front of the window, the only means of escape.

"_It's _no _use."_

And then Nico barfed a rainbow.

The witch was blinded by the sheer awesomeness of the colour spectrum. She covered her eyes and took a step back.

Unfortunately, she was standing right in front of the window.

Rapunzel scooped up Nico and he and Brittany used his hair as a sort of glider. Good thing he used so much conditioner. They reached land. Behind them, they could hear the witch yelling curses. They didn't look back to see how she was. They just ran.

Meanwhile, the witch stood outside the tower. She was still alive, she had magic. However, she sighed.

"_Why _does this always _happen _to me?"

THE END!


End file.
